I haven't studied enough. I'm not going to get anywhere.
School became a nightmare, classmates telling me how much they studied the previous night, how many grinds they attend. Sitting in a classroom feeling full of despair, 'I can't do this', 'I'm not like the others', 'I won't get to college' The thought process was non stop that I couldn't focus in class, constantly feeling sick, lunch was my only break. Coming home, I would eat my dinner and go straight to my desk for the night. 3 hours began to 4 hours, 4 hours began to pulling all nighters. I remember Mum and Dad being so concerned but I felt as though they didn't understand, this was something I had to do. Every night would lead to me crying endlessly in my pillow, wishing this year would be over. I would wake up, put my bag on my heavy shoulders and throw on my fake smile. 'Everything will be fine' I kept saying to myself - But it wasn't, I wasn't.
Guilt.
The simple tasks like going to the shops made me feel nothing but guilt. Going to 18ths, shopping, even going on a school trip. I hated it, all I wanted to do was study, I began to feel exhausted and the sadness increased. There was also guilt because I was feeling sad, I had no reason to be, everything was fine, I was fine. People had bigger problems I would tell myself. I guess I was in denial that I was beginning to get depression. That's one thing to note, never ignore or feel guilty that you aren't feeling yourself, it's important to always be happy.
Lashing out:
I began to feel that nobody understood me, nobody knew the pressure I was under, when in fact every Leaving Cert student was feeling the same pressure. I would distance myself from my friends, boyfriend and even my family. I didn't want to talk to anyone or tell them how I was feeling. I felt a burden to people, an unnecessary one. My only companion was my studying essentials. I am so thankful that my loved ones stood by me but I then began to realise that something wasn't right and it was me. Always talk to someone about how you feel, and don't isolate yourself. The isolation leads to social anxiety, which is something I still to this day, need to improve.
The Leaving Cert had changed who I was, it took me months to recover from it. All for what? A piece of paper saying congrats you remembered a heap of unnecessary stuff e.g algebra :) Listen, there is so much more to life than the piece of paper don't let it stop you from getting what you want. Do your best and the rest will sort itself out. I hope this helped in any shape or form and don't ever feel down. Remember everyone is in the same boat as you, together you all will do great! We don't have to discuss the Leaving 24/7, talk about Summer, Weekends, 18ths etc. Do what makes you happy, focus on yourself and your health.
Stay happy always,
Niamh
x
